Is death really the answer?
by Juggalo Son Pan
Summary: This story is about shinji at first, he wants to die, suicide is his motive....but..something happens...i wont give it away...- CONTAINS suicidal thoughts and yeh that stuff!
1. chapter 1

Looking back at my past life I realize I have no point in living. My father hates me. I guess he hates me with   
  
a passion. He cares not about my education, my well being nor my feelings. I miss my mother. Although I   
  
don't remember her much, my father always goes to pay his respects to her. Me on the other hand. He   
  
doesn't give me any sort of respect. Ever since I first arrived at Nerv headquarters, I've been hurt in so   
  
many ways I never imagined would ever happened to me. I hop into that cockpit of the Eva and I put my life   
  
on the line for the city. I do this to help out Tokyo 3. But I always end up doing it for my father. The only   
  
reason I was ever brought here in the first place was so he could use me as the 3rd child and be used to pilot   
  
Eva unit 1.   
  
When I met Rei, the 1st child, she seemed nice at first. But it didn't take long for me to realize that she was   
  
one who never talked. I had seen her with my father and she always looked happy around him. She was like   
  
a pet to him, always the favorite. Asuka on the other hand, she seemed to be a real bitch when I first met   
  
her. She always wants everything her way and doesn't seem to care for anyone else's feelings. She always   
  
gets pissed off to easily and mad for no reason at all. I know that these two girls don't like me either. Just   
  
like my father.  
  
When I was offered to stay at Misato's place when I first arrived, she was thrilled to have a new room mate.   
  
OK. I admit that I was a little embarrassing at first. But when I stayed there long enough I knew that I had   
  
become a real member of her house hold. When Asuka had moved in to, that's when things really started to   
  
turn. I had gotten more depressed then when I had 4 days leave. I so badly just wanted to die. No one cared   
  
for me at all. It was like I'm just a figure to them that moves around in their lives, just getting in the way all   
  
the time. That when the time turns now. Now I really want to die.  
  
Shinji lied on his bed looking at the unfamiliar ceiling. He had been thinking through his life for days now.   
  
Sorting out what there actually was to live for. He couldn't find any reason at all why he should have been   
  
born. What was his purpose?  
  
"Hey Shinji! Are you ready for school yet or what???" Asuka called out from the living room. "Yes!" He   
  
called and grabbed his bag and went to find her. As he walked out his door, he turned to gaze at the life he   
  
lives in. He aced Misato whom was still wearing her Pj's and had a can of beer in one hand and a piece of   
  
toast in the other. With her mouth full, Misato called: "Cya guys! Have fun at school and I'll see ya's at   
  
Nerv this afternoon!" Asuka and Shinji both nodded and headed out the door. Shinji closed it slowly while   
  
looking into the life he had entered some months ago.  
  
While walking down the road Shinji was thinking if he should tell Asuka how he felt about life. He then   
  
thought that wouldn't be such a good idea, as she'd just tell him that he's a selfish brat who only thinks of   
  
himself.   
  
At school both Asuka and Shinji sat down in their usual places. Class started and people were chatting   
  
happily. Rei on the other hand was staring out the window with a few bandages wrapped around her arms   
  
and head. Toji and Kensuke were even chatting happily.   
  
After a long day at school. Shinji, Rei and Asuka headed toward Nerv. At a cross road Rei went one way   
  
and Asuka went the other. They didn't say anything and kept walking. Shinji knew this was the time. He   
  
decided to turn around and go back to the school. By then every one had left and he managed to get to the   
  
roof of the main building.  
  
He started intently over the edge, imagining all the pain he would feel if he jumped. He would either die   
  
instantly head first, or break a mass amount of bones and be in server pain. He got up on the ledge and   
  
looked down to find a reasonable place to jump for. By this time it had already been about an hour or so   
  
since Asuka and Rei had arrived at Nerv.   
  
Shinji began to cry out his emotions, not knowing weather it is a good idea to jump and leave everyone   
  
alone, or just go back and head toward Nerv and do as everyone wants him too. He go off the ledge and   
  
cried a little more. Then he wiped away his tears and got back up.  
  
"SHINJI!!!!!" A voice came from behind him. He didn't know if he should go ahead and jump or see who it   
  
is. He closed his eyes and took it as it was only a voice in his head. Moments later, "SHINJI NO!" It was   
  
Misato. She had worried about the fact he hadn't shown up at Nerv and came to see if he was still at school.   
  
"NO MISATO! IMUST DO THIS!!!" Shinji said. He prepared to jump but was held back by the pull of   
  
Misato. She grabbed him off the ledge and he fell to the ground. She knelt down and held him tightly and   
  
cried into his hair. Shinji had a blank expression and realized that Misato had just saved him. She saved him   
  
from killing himself.  
  
"Shinji! Oh god Shinji! Please tell me why! Why were you going to do this??" Misato cried. "I'm not wanted   
  
here…" Shinji stated. "BULL SHIT! Shinji, you are very important to us at Nerv and we NEED you!"   
  
Misato said, upset yet pissed off at the same time. "That's it. YOU people need me for your own reasons. I   
  
have no reason but for that." Shinji said and closed his eyes. "Oh Shinji! We do care about your life as well   
  
you know! Come on…I'll take you home." Misato said and took Shinji by the hand and led him out to he   
  
car.  
  
When they got home, Misato put Shinji to bed and mad him some Miso soup and some tea. "Here you eat   
  
this and drink this then get some rest. We'll talk in the morning about what happened. Please don't do any   
  
thing harmful. I got to get back to Nerv OK. Bye Shinji." Misato said and left.  
  
"Who does she think she is?! She doesn't care about me! She only cares that I'm in suitable condition to   
  
pilot an Eva." Shinji threw the hot soup across the room. Doing this he spilt the boiling hot tea on his arm.   
  
"ARGH FUCK!!!" Shinji cried and went to put cold water over the blistering skin. "What am I doing? Its   
  
not like I should care for my injuries. No one wants to help me." Shinji turned the tap off and went to   
  
Misato's store room. From there he got out a piece of rope. He then went to the kitchen and got the   
  
sharpest knife he could find.  
  
Going back to his room he noticed a few hooks and poles in the ceiling. He worked out a way to loop up the   
  
rope and tied a noose on the end. "Perfect." He sat on his bed and looked at the noose dangling from his   
  
roof. He then looked at the knife beside him. "Hmmmmm the knife or the noose? Which would be better?   
  
But there is always the window. And cars or even trucks, maybe even the train. Hey that sounds interesting,   
  
a train. But then there is always the bath and electrical stuff. Nah, I have the noose tied up. I could always   
  
use the knife as well." Shinji thought out loud.   
  
He got up on his chair he had placed underneath the noose. He held the knife in his hand and gazed and the   
  
blade for a while. He held out his arm and put the blade to his wrist. With out much thought he took it away   
  
from his wrist and cut a 20cm cut up his fore arm. He hadn't pressed it to hard either but because the blade   
  
had been so sharp, the skin had cut easily. He dropped the knife and watched as the cut oozed out blood. It   
  
began to form together as a stream of blood then it dripped fast onto the floor. Shinji felt no pain as this was   
  
his anger, expressed though self harm. This cut represents the emotional hurt inside.  
  
After a while he looked at the noose that was dangling in front of him as he stood on the chair. He put the   
  
noose around his neck and had another look at his arm with blood dripping to the floor. At the moment he   
  
closed his eyes his door burst open. At that minute he thought, ' I should of locked it…' but at the same   
  
time of this thought, the surprise of the door flying open shocked him and he fell from the chair, thus   
  
hanging him self.   
  
"SHINJI!!!!" Misato had been the one who burst in. At this moment he had not quite hung himself, but the   
  
lack of blood flow to the brain has caused him to pass out. Misato took the blood covered knife on the floor   
  
and got on the chair and cut down the rope. Shinji fell with 'flop' like a dummi. Misato loosened the rope   
  
from his neck and felt his weak pulse. "Asuka!!!!! Call the ambulance!!! NOW!!!!!!" Misato cried out and   
  
grabbed some sheets off Shinji's bed and tore it to make a dressing for his arm. She nursed him in her lap   
  
and hugged him tight.  
  
Around about 10 or so minutes later, the ambulance arrived to get Shinji. Misato left Asuka to look after the   
  
house as she went with Shinji to the hospital.   
  
At the hospital Shinji got tubes and things all hooked up to him and his cut bandaged up. He was then   
  
stabilized and put into a ward to heal up. He was in the town hospital, as Misato thought it was best that his   
  
father didn't know yet about his condition. Misato stayed by his bed side for more than over 3 hrs and then   
  
thought she should go and see Asuka.  
  
"So, what happened to the 'big cry baby'?" Asuka thoughtlessly asked. "Asuka!! Shinji was badly hurt!"   
  
Misato said, on the verge of crying. "But what happened? Its not like he was in his Eva helping out Rei and I   
  
to protect the city from the angels." Asuka said with annoyance in her voice. "Listen!!! Shinji is very   
  
depressed!" Misato started to weep tears from her eyes. "Depressed? HA! That twerp is just selfish and   
  
thinks nothing but himself around this place. Just because some people would like him to help out…"   
  
"ASUKA! HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF!!" Misato blurted out and cried. "Huh? Kill himself?" Asuka   
  
said with shock in her voice. "Yes he tried to kill himself this morning I caught him at the school about to   
  
jump off the main building and then I took him home to let him have some rest and to think about what he   
  
was doing. I came back to Nerv, and just before I went into his room to make sure he was OK and I found   
  
him about to hang himself, I guess I shocked him and he fell from the chair. He even cut him self with a   
  
knife!" Misato yelled at the shameless Asuka.   
  
Asuka stood their emotionless. 'I guess that twerp snapped or something?' She thought to herself. Asuka   
  
left Misato to cry and went off to her room. She put on some music and lied down on her bed. "Reminds me   
  
of my Muma… how I found her… but….that bitch was crazy…" Asuka thought depressing thought all that   
  
night and herd Misato's sobs in the room near her.   
  
Early that morning, Asuka got up and went to Shinji's room. Everything was how it was. Blood on the floor   
  
where blood dripped from his knife cut arm. The noose was still there on the ground where Misato had   
  
removed it from Shinji's neck. Asuka eyed the noose for a moment and looked at knife Misato had used.   
  
"Why me? Why? Why AM I alive? Maybe the brat actually has a point to make…" Asuka whispered and   
  
picked up the knife. She went out to the balcony and looked at the early morning look of the city. She held   
  
the knife to her throat and closed her eyes. "I truly think the brat and my Muma have a point, no one really   
  
cares for us…we are just used for the purpose and benefit of others. Its NOT fair!" Asuka's whispers turned   
  
into a small yell and awoke Misato.   
  
Unfortunately Misato was too late for Asuka. Misato came to the balcony to find drops of blood on the   
  
ground, with the knife shinji had in his room. The railing of the balcony was smeared with blood and hand   
  
prints and a few strands of long red hair. Misato's eyes were wide open as she stepped slowly towards the   
  
balcony's edge. She cupped her mouth with her hands and peered over the edge to see the limp body of   
  
Asuka lying helplessly on the ground with blood splattered out around her. Because it was so early in the   
  
morning no one was about to see the carcass.   
  
"ASUKA!!! OH FUCK ASUKA!!" Misato trembled with fear and fell weak at the knees and fell to the   
  
ground crying. After about 10mins of total insanity and confusion, Misato got to her feet and rung the   
  
ambulance. Another 10 or so minutes the ambulance arrived to pick up the body. Misato awed at them   
  
placing her blood ridden body in the body bag and zipping it up. Misato sat in the back of the ambulance   
  
next to the lifeless Asuka bag. "Please Ma'am, may I please ask what happened?" An officer was in the back   
  
with her, trying hard to comfort her. "I..I..I'm sorry, I don't get it. Yesterday the other child I'm looking   
  
after attempted suicide. And…n..now… the other child has succeeded in her suicide! I' so very confused! I   
  
don't know the reason behind their sudden depression!" Misato couldn't hold in her tears any more. And she   
  
cried on the officers shoulder.  
  
When they arrived, Asuka was taken away to the morgue. At the this time Misato thought it would be best if   
  
she went and saw how Shinji was doing. She went as quickly as she could to his ward and opened it up. No   
  
one but a doctor with his book and notes in his hand was standing in his room. Shinji's bed was empty and   
  
Misato began to drip tears onto the floor. "Um…Excuse me doctor…" Misato managed to spit out. "Yes?"   
  
The doctor said curiously. "Um *ahem* What happened to the patient Shinji Ikari?" "Oh him, I'm sorry   
  
ma'am he tried again to attempt suicide. He's in a more serious condition now, up in room 607, you may go   
  
and see him, but I doubt you'll be able to talk to him yet." The doctor said pointing to the direction of   
  
Shinji's ward. "Thank you…" Misato said and rushed to the ward. She knocked and walked in.   
  
Shinji was lying on the bed hooked up with more stabilizing wires and tubes. Misato saw two bandages   
  
wrapped around his wrists with blood seeping through. "Must of been deep…" Misato said lightly. With   
  
those words Shinji awoke and turned to see Misato. "Hi Misato…" Shinji said and gave a small smile. "Hi   
  
Shinji, listen because of your careless actoins, Asuka…Asuka.." Misato began. "What? Asuka? What   
  
happened?" Shinji's small weak smile turned into a frown. And he saw Misato's eyes fill with tears. "She's   
  
hurt herself?" Shinji asked with worry. "Oh Shinji!! Asuka has killed herself!" Misato cried and gently   
  
hugged him. "Asuka…" Shinji whispered and lied still as Misato Hugged him cried on him.   
  
Since that day, Shinji hadn't said a word to anyone. Its been about 2 weeks and Shinji was about to be set   
  
out of hospital. An appointment had been made for him to see his father and Ritsuko at Nerv Headquarters   
  
about his attempt at suicide and why Asuka had done it.  
  
When he arrived the Nerv officials and Majors of Nerv corporation were all set out and watched Shinji walk   
  
in. "Shinji, why is it you decided to do what you had done? You have caused Asuka to attempt and succeed   
  
in suicide. This is VERY major here at Nerv as it is hard to find appropriate pilots for the Eva's." Shinji   
  
stared at his father with a serious and evil look on his face. He hated him so much, with a passion. He   
  
wondered why the lives of 14yr old children only matter to him when they are concealed inside the Eva's, to   
  
help the city? He doesn't even care if these children die as a consequence.   
  
Shinji did not answer. He didn't want to make any initial contact really. He swore not to say a word, and   
  
when he gets the chance he will do just as Asuka had achieved. Leave this life…  
  
Well thats all ihave time for to write 2day ppl, I hope you enjoyed it!(^-~) Please R&R and tell me what you   
  
think. I thought it was ok, very disturbing and very unexpected I think…this wasnt planned at all, its what   
  
ever came to mind as I wrote. Some feeling are really what I feel, but I turned that into shinji's character.  
  
Any ways I'll up date ASAP, feel free to give me any tips or ideas too!  
  
Ja-Ne  
  
~*Juggalo Son Pan*~ 


	2. chapter 2

"Mr. Ikari, I advise that you answer your father imediently! We have no other Children lined up for this suit   
  
of combat, do you really expect Rei to pilot all the Eva's! And when we do find others they must learn to   
  
synch with the Eva's approved to them!" One of the officials got up and yelled at Shiji. Shinji stared at the   
  
group of Nerv personnel and then walked out the exit. "MR. IKARI!" A voice called from behind, but Shinji   
  
ignored it.  
  
He walked alone for a while until he reached the exit of Nerv Headquarters. "The school is my last   
  
opportunity…" Shinji said, heading in the direction of the school. As he approached the school grounds,   
  
there was children still outside. "Must be lunch…this makes it more interesting…" Shinji started for the   
  
main building and went up to the roof were he had been before, when he had first attempted his suicide…but   
  
he had been stopped, stopped by the one who only seems to care for him in the slightest. "SHINJI NO!!   
  
PLEASE!!" Shinji looked over the edge, he herd the familiar voice with the familiar words that had been   
  
said when he was about to jump the first time. He closed his eyes as he done before and moved forward. The   
  
familiar tug pulled him down from the ledge and the was again in the arms of Misato. "Shinji!!!!! PLEASE   
  
don't do this!" Misato begged to Shinji. He got up and began heading down to the schools exit, with Misato   
  
following close behind. "I don't get you Shinji, I'm trying to help you here you know. Your NEEDED! Not   
  
just as a child for Nerv to pilot an Eva, but you are a very important form of life in this world. Your being   
  
here was never pointless, your being here is to grow and learn and gain love and friendship through friends   
  
and family. I know you find this hard Shinji but you must understand, we all care about you." Misato said   
  
and Shinji still said nothing and kept walking towards home.  
  
When they arrived Shinji stormed off to his room, locked the door and lied on his bed listening to his music.   
  
Misato waited around outside, stressing that there may of been a hidden piece of rope or spare knife hidden   
  
within his drawers. After a couple of hours Misato could only hope he was OK as she left the living room   
  
and went to bed.  
  
Rei was in her apartment siting on the edge of her bed, holding bandages which had just been removed. Her   
  
injuries had almost completely healed. She heard Misato talking to Ritsuko about Asuka's death and Shinji's   
  
attempt. Rei was very depressed at this time as deep down inside her she had feelings for both of them. She   
  
did infact care about their well being and befriended them as her team member's in Nerv. Her life infact had   
  
been pointless and she didn't find anything worth living for in her life. No real family and no goal either. She   
  
only worked for Nerv and did just as she was ordered to all the time. "Maybe..maybe I am just a wind up   
  
doll like Asuka said that one time..well few times. I would die if I was ordered to…" Rei talked in her usual   
  
quiet voice as she stared at the blood stained cloth.   
  
Lifting her head Rei looked around her room. "I have nothing but a bed, few clothes, Mr. Ikari's glasses and   
  
rubbish, mainly bandages from all my wounds I have gotten whist being here in Nerv.'' Rei began to think.   
  
She was turning into a pointless life form. No one had real feelings for her of any kind, she was just being   
  
used as a form of life to be able to control the Eva's. 'Maybe Shinji DOES has a point to make…' Rei   
  
thought and got up to her drawers and got out a small pocket knife, never used. A gift to her that was   
  
supposedly from her mother. It had been passed along to her by Ikari.   
  
Looking at this knife Rei held it and studied the blade, to colour, the shape and form of the blade. She   
  
flicked the tip on her wrist and a small bead of blood formed. "Must be sharp then…" Rei said and then got   
  
up to lock her door. She then sat the knife with a bead of blood staining the tip on her bed and placed Ikari's   
  
glasses next to it. Rei headed toward her shower. Undressing slowly and carefully she folded her clothes   
  
neatly and placed them on the bathroom sink. Looking into the mirror above the sink, Rei looked to see an   
  
emotionless 'wind up doll' with no hope or meaning to life. With a small burst of anger that was very   
  
unlikely from Rei, she punched the Mirror and shards of glass fell down and flew in various directions. With   
  
few cuts all over her, Rei then grabbed the sharpest piece of glass she could see, lying on her folded clothes.  
  
Turning on the shower to a reasonable Hot/warm temperature, Rei got in and ignoring the little bits of pain   
  
from where the shrapnel's of glass had cut into her she stared up into the water hitting her soft emotionless   
  
face. "All I have to live for…is nothing Asuka took the right turn, understanding Shinji's point was a good   
  
idea. Although he has not yet succeeded in death yet, I'm sure after this he will. I am happy for him. I hope   
  
he escapes this hell soon." Rei quietly mumbled in the shower and clenched the piece of glass in her hand.  
  
Siting down under the water Rei looked at the patterning of the glass and the sharpness of the point. Her   
  
hand was bleeding as when she had clenched it the small amount of pressure was enough to pierce her fragile   
  
skin. Closing her eyes, Rei thought of nothing and sliced open her left wrist and gabbing it quickly, she used   
  
the glass of the other wrist. After a few moments Rei felt the pain but did not do anything she relaxed as   
  
much as she could letting her wrist's bleed down into the drains. A few more moments past and she felt   
  
dizzy and blacked out. Not long after and she had died from loss of blood. The shower was still running and   
  
blood still going down the drain, when Misato and Ritsuko came by to check on her timetable for the next   
  
days Eva test.   
  
"Thats unusual, I've never known Rei to lock her door, and its not like there is anything valuable to steal.   
  
Ritsuko used her spare key to open up Rei's apartment. Looking around at the basically empty room,   
  
Ritsuko placed the timetable on her bed. Hearing the shower running Misato went to the bathroom and   
  
tapped on the door. "Rei? Its Misato, we have your next days timetable for you. Could you please check this   
  
so we can record it for you?" Misato said and herd no reply. "Rei? REI!" Misato yelled into the bath room   
  
opening the door slightly. The feint smell of steam and the familiar smell of rust….the rust you smell in   
  
blood. "No…" Misato panicked when she could smell it and got no reply. Almost instantly Misato knew   
  
what had happened and yelled out to Ritsuko to dial 000 for an ambulance.   
  
Going into the bathroom Misato confronted a dead Rei with still bleeding wrists naked in the running   
  
shower. "OH GOD! REI!!!!!!" Misato shouted turning off the taps and grabbing the towel Rei had hanging.   
  
Wrapping her up in it and nursing the limp, lifeless body, Misato cried. "NOT AGAIN!" Pouring down her   
  
face, tears dripped onto the dead Rei's forehead. The ambulance arrived shortly after and Misato and   
  
Ritsuko got in aswell.   
  
At the hospital Misato was still crying her eyes out. Ritsuko was comforting her and Ikari had been to see   
  
Rei's body before she was sent to the morgue. He too had shed a small tear as he had cared for Rei more   
  
than his own son.  
  
Later on that night Misato came home. Her day so far had been hell and she wasn't ready to face Shinji, for   
  
all she knows, Shinji may be dead! Walking into the living room, Misato flopped onto the lounge and she   
  
had a beer in her hand. 'Why is this all happening? I dont understand all this crazy suicide around her. We   
  
have no Eva pilots now…except Shinji…but he wont do it… Nerv is going way downhill.' Misato' thoughts   
  
were flooding her mind. At this moment Shinji opened his door and looked at Misato. Misatos sad face   
  
soured and she was about to cry. For the first time in weeks, Shinji spoke and asked. "Is it Rei?" Misato   
  
nodded and dug her face into the lounge pillows and began to cry again. Shinji's hands clenched up into balls   
  
and then let go. 'I knew she'd do this…and this is it…I must accomplish this or I will be blamed for more   
  
suicide deaths from my own actions….is my turn now…I'm going to die…' Shinji thought and bolted out   
  
the front door.  
  
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*YAWN!! ARGGHH hehe sigh!:p ok pplz thats it for now…more character deaths, wot do you think would   
  
happen? Well you gotta wait and see! Even I don't know what's going to happen. Will Shinji accomplish his   
  
goal in suicide?? Or will Misato stop him AGAIN and he be responsible for another death? Well..i dunno yet   
  
just like u ppl. I hope u enjoyed this story so far, its the best I've done in ages! Please give me a review and   
  
check back l8r for updates! ^-^  
  
Ja-Ne  
  
~*Juggalo Son Pan*~  
  
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